How to Handle Pain After BreakUp?

  • Dr. Sapna Sharma
  • 08 February 2019

Many youngsters these days approach me when they are undergoing the pain of a recent Break up. Most of them have similar complaint that they are unable to concentrate on their studies. What is common is a kind of helpless and clueless feeling that they present with. “I don’t know what happened” is heard frequently and that is where the root of the problem can be seen clearly.

There are a lot of points here to take into consideration. But most important one is that you have studies to attend to. Please understand that life does not run serially where one thing starts after previous one has ended. Here everything runs parallel. Everything has to be attended to simultaneously. This is just the beginning. You will have more heart breaks, relationships, marriage, children's behavioral issues, illnesses in the family and many more. All this is to be faced simultaneously from around 18 to 45 years of age. Hence the first thing to do is to learn to compartmentalise. Cry while crying and study while studying and play while playing.

I can understand your pain but to keep thinking of the pain is a CHOICE and not a compulsion. We feel that "I CANNOT GET OVER IT but in reality we CHOOSE TO NOT GET OVER IT". Mind will produce thoughts but to go on feeding it with similar thoughts to wallow in pain and self pity is always an option.

Secondly, You need to take a very hard look at your relationship while it lasted. Was it all smooth? Most couples that break up eventually tell me about constant disagreements or fights or one person dominating the other and the other willingly accepting the domination before finally breaking up because he/ she had too much. Somehow, once in a relationship we fight but tend to tell ourselves that if I am willing to manage and continue with the fights and everything else, everything will be fine one day. Well nothing changes on its own. Take a reality check.

Thirdly, We belong to the so called modern generation where we believe that each one has equal right in the relationship to ask, demand and fight back on every small thing. But like the old days we expect our relationships to last permanently. That is the biggest cause of pain. The earlier relationships would last because women pretty much would keep to themselves and not express their discomfort and so it seemed that all the relationships were ever lasting. Now when two strong personalities from two different backgrounds come together and decide never to back off in face of conflicts, to always prove a point and to not accept 'defeat' and then we still expect that our relationship should be everlasting. Come on now.. we need to wake up to the reality that RELATIONSHIPS BREAK. Try to make them work but if both or even one partner is unhappy for a prolonged period of time, let it go... why do you want to keep yourself or the unhappy partner trapped?

Finally, When we get into a relationship, we hardly know the person. we are attracted to a few things about them. Then rest of the way what we do is try to fit that person in the mould of some imaginary person we had in our mind. We keep pressing and pushing them to fit into it and they might be doing the same to us. Now trying to fit into something that does not fit me is painful. They are going to rebel sometime for sure. However, interestingly we do not mind beating the hell out of each other mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically, but we insist that we stay in the relationship. Can you accept them as they are? flaws and all? and still be happy? it can then work with little adjustments from both of you/ but if we are full of complaints then it is better to let them go. Accept that they are not the right person for you. Stop hammering and chiseling them to fit into your mould and stop them from doing the same for you.

If you can think and feel the above, all you have to do is wish them luck and say your goodbyes. The first relationship does not have to be the forever one. This relationship can give you a lot of insight into what and who you are and what are your expectations in a relationship. If you are really smart you will sit back, do a thorough self analysis and ensure that you will be more alert in your choice when you get into the next one.

   

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