What you do in a Relationship - Dominate or Connect?
Why people always try to change others? Many relationships that start with admiring and falling in love with many traits of the other eventually proceed to one or both partners trying to force the other to change. Sometimes, it is only about the things that also affect you like, household decisions, sharing of workload, money management, etc. But, many other times we see one person desperately trying to control every small choice the partner makes.
First question here is, “If you do not like most things about your partner, why are you even in a relationship? Are you sure you are with the right person? Are you sure you are not trying to convert your present partner into the idea of a partner that you had been cherishing in your mind?”
And the bigger question is, “Forget about your partner, even are you happy in this relationship where you are always pointing out mistakes of your partner, demeaning them, leaving them in a bad mood or ending up in bitter fights?”
What do we look for in a relationship? As I understand relationships are a choice and not compulsion. So we choose to get into a relationship because we believe that it makes us happy. However, when we start to get too demanding in the relationship and try to push our ways and decisions in everything, it is we who also end up blaming the partner for all the unhappiness.
I believe we all need to adopt a simple principle of “living a happy life”. And we need to develop a habit of reminding ourselves repeatedly of this principle. If we shift our focus from ‘changing’ and ‘improving’ our partner to ‘living a happy life’, we would be able to let go of our compulsions and let our partner live the way they wish to. I believe only two people who are happy with themselves can be happy with their partners.
It is not very difficult either. If you believe the behavior or habits of your partner are too disturbing or destructive for your peace and happiness then do mention it to them, but instead of forcing them to change give them a choice. People often respond more positively to choices. While forcing often makes people defensive and rebel. This is even applicable to our children.
Many parents keep on cribbing after their grown up children or daughters in law, but their entire efforts are into wanting to change the newer generation to think and behave according to the parents. Hardly are they willing to let the children know that, “you are now grown up and can take care of yourself. Since, we do not see eye to eye on many aspects of life instead of making it a mess let us live in separate spaces”. No Sir. Parents won’t do that but keep pushing the others to change to suit their comfort.